DISINTEGRATION

plainsong

"I think it's dark
And it looks like rain" you said
"And the wind is blowing
Like it's the end of the world" you said
"And it's so cold
It's like the cold if you were dead"
And then you smiled for a second

"I think I'm old
And I'm feeling pain" you said
"And it's all running out
Like it's the end of the world" you said
"And it's so cold
It's like the cold if you were dead"
And then you smiled for a second

Sometimes you make me feel
Like I'm living at the edge of the world
Like I'm living at the edge of the world
"I's just the way I smile" you said

pictures of you

I've been looking so long
At these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long
With my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures
Are all I can feel

Remembering you
Standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky
Fell in holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering you
Running soft through the night
You were bigger
And brighter
And wider than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go

Remembering you
Fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you
How you used to be slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Oh hold for the last time
Then slip away
Quietly open my eyes
But I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held onto your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you

Looking so long
At these pictures of you
But I never hold onto your heart
Looking so long
For the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you

closedown

I'm running out of time
I'm out of step
And closing down
And never sleep for wanting hours
The empty hours of greed
And uselessly
Always the need
To feel again the real belief
Of something more than mockery
If only I could fill
My heart with love

lovesong

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

last dance

I'm so glad you came
I'm so glad you remembered
To see how we're ending
Our last dance together
Expectant
Too punctual
But prettier than ever
I really believe
That this time it's forever

But older than me now
More constant more real
And the fur
And the mouth
And the innocence
Turned to hair
And contentment
That hangs in abasement
A woman now standing
Where once
There was only a girl

I'm so glad you came
I'm so glad you remembered
The walking through walls
In the heart of december
The blindness of happiness
Of falling down laughing
I really believed
That this time was forever

But Christmas falls late now
Flatter and colder
And never as bright
As when we used to fall
All this in an instant
Before I can kiss you
A woman now standing
Where once
There was only a girl

I'm so glad you came
I'm so glad you remembered
To see how we're ending
Our last dance together
Reluctantly
Cautiously
But prettier than ever
I really believe
That this time it's forever

But Christmas falls late now
Flatter and colder
And never as bright
As when we used to fall
And even if we drink
I don't think we would kiss
In the way that we did
When the woman
Was only a girl

lullaby

On candystripe legs
the spiderman comes
softly through the shadow of the
evening sun
stealing past the window of the
blissfully dead
looking for the victim
shivering in bed
searching out fear in the gathering gloom and
suddenly!
a movement in the corner of the room!
and there is nothing i can do
when i realise with fright
that the spiderman is having me
for dinner
tonight!

Quietly he laughs
and shaking his head
creeps closer now
closer
to the foot of the bed
and softer than shadow
and quicker than flies
his arms are all around me
and his tongue in my eyes
"be still be calm be quiet now
my precious boy
don't struggle like that or i will only love you more
for it's much too late to get away
or turn on the light
the spiderman is having you
for dinner
tonight"

And i feel like i'm being eaten
by a thousand million shivering furry holes
and i know that in the morning
i will wake up
in the shivering cold
and the spiderman
is always
hungry …

fascination street

Oh it's opening time
Down on fascination street
So let's cut the conversation
And get out for a bit
Because I feel it all fading
And paling
And I'm begging
To drag you down with me
To kick the last nail in
Yeah I like you in that
Like I like you to scream
But if you open your mouth
Then I can't be responsible
For quite what goes in
Or to care what comes out
So just pull on your hair
Just pull on your pout
And let's move to the beat
Like we know that it's over
If you slip going under
Slip over my shoulder
So just pull on your face
Just pull on your feet
And let's hit opening time
Down on fascination street

So pull on your hair
Pull on your pout
Cut the conversation
Just open your mouth
Pull on your face
Pull on your feet
And let's hit opening time
Down on fascination street

prayers for rain

You shatter me
Your grip on me
A hold on me
So dull it kills
You stifle me
Infectious sense of hopelesness
And prayers for rain
I suffocate
I breathe in dirt
And nowhere shines
But desolate and drab
The hours all spent
On killing time again
All waiting for the rain

You fracture me
Your hands on me
A touch so plain
So stale it kills
You strangle me
Entangle me in hopelesness
And prayers for rain
I deteriorate
I live in dirt
And nowhere glows
But drearily and tired
The hours all spent
On killing time again
All waiting for the rain

the same deep water as you

Kiss me goodbye
Pushing out before I sleep
Can't you see I try
Swimming the same deep water as you
Is hard
"The shallow drowned lose less than we"
you breathe
the strangest twist upon your lips
"And we shall be together..."

"Kiss me goodbye
Bow your head and join with me"
And face pushed deep
Reflections meet
The strangest twist upon your lips
And disappear
The ripples clear
And laughing break
Against your feet
And laughing break
The mirror sweet
"So we shall be together..."

"Kiss me goodbye"
Pushing out before I sleep
It's lower now
And slower now
The strangest twist upon your lips
But I don't see
And I don't feel
But tightly hold up silently
My hands
Before my fadind eyes
And in my eyes your smile
The very last thing before I go...

I will kiss you I will kiss you
I will kiss you forever on nights like this
I will kiss you I will kiss you
And we shall be together...

disintegration

Oh I miss the kiss of treachery
The shameless kiss of vanity
The soft and the black and the velvety
Up tight against the side of me
And mouth and eyes and heart all bleed
And run in thickening streams of greed
As bit by bit it starts the need
To just let go my party piece

Oh I miss the kiss of treachery
The aching kiss before I feed
The stench of a love
For a younger meat
And the sound that it makes when it cuts in deep
The holding up on bended knees
The addiction of duplicities
As bit by bit it starts the need
To just let go my party piece

But I never said I would
stay to the end
So I leave you with babies and hoping for
frequency
Screaming like this in the hope of the secrecy
Screaming me over and over and over
I leave you with photographs pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet and stains on the scenery
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both of us knew
How the ending would be…

So it's all come back round to breaking apart
again
breaking apart like I'm made up of glass again
making it up behind my back again
holding my breath for the fear of sleep
again
holding it up behind my head again
cut in deep to the heart of the bone
again
round and round and round and it's coming apart again
over and over and over

now that I know that I'm breaking to pieces
I'll pull out my heart and I'll feed it to
anyone
Crying for sympathy crocodiles cry
For the love of the crowd and the three cheers from everyone
Droppimg through sky through the glass
of the roof
Through the roof of your mouth through the mouth of your eyes
Through the eyes of the needle
It's easier for me to get closer to heaven
than ever feel whole again

I never said I would stay to the end
I knew I would leave you with babies and everything
Screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
Screaming me over and over and over
I leave you with photographs pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet and stains on the memory
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both of us knew
How the end always is…

How the end always is…

homesick

Hey hey!
Just one more
And I'll walk away
All the everything you win
Turns to nothing today
And I forget how to move
When my mouth is this dry
And my eyes are bursting hearts
In a blood-stained sky
Oh it was sweet
It was wild
And oh how we...
I trembled
Stuck in honey
Honey cling to me
So just one more
Just one more go
Inspire in me
The desire in me
To never go home

Oh just one more
And I'll walk away
All the everything you win
Turns to nothing today
So just one more
Just one more go
Inspire in me
The desire in me
To never go home

untitled

Hoplessly drift
in the eyes of the ghost again
down on my knees
and my hands in the air again
pushing my face
in the memory of you again
but i never know if it's real
never know how i wanted to feel
never quite said
what i wanted to say to you
never quite managed
the words to explain to you
never quite knew how to make them believable
and now the time has gone
another time undone
hoplessly fighting the devil futility
feeling the monster
climb deeper inside of me
feeling him gnawing my heart away hungrily
i'll never lose this pain
never dream of you again